That time of year…

I wrote the piece below a couple of days ago. I always feel this sense of guilt that I am grieving whilst I should be celebrating.

October is the month I lost my son. It is also Pregnancy and Infancy Loss Awareness month with the Wave of Light taking place on October 15th. My wedding anniversary date.

Yesterday my Facebook and Instagram feeds were alive with beautiful posts honouring sweet angels. My heart continually goes out to those who have loved and lost… and those who are still struggling. A friend of mine so eloquently wrote on her wall yesterday: “We never move on, but we do move forward.”

This time of year is hard for me. Around mid-September I find myself suddenly falling into a depression. What on earth? And then it hits me all over again. Henry’s anniversary is coming up. It’s funny how your subconscious can take over without you really knowing it. You would think that it would get easier over time, but it really doesn’t. Grief is a funny thing and you just have to roll with it.

This year has felt even harder than ever. Is it because I am getting older? I know that my time for having the opportunity to have another child is soon over, if it isn’t already. (Who am I kidding? It’s done.)

Since I lost Henry, I haven’t been able to get pregnant again.

Interestingly enough I read an article only just recently that talked about secondary infertility. It helped me a lot. I have been having these huge feelings of guilt… why should I feel hard done by when I already have a perfect, beautiful child? But it’s okay to want more children. And it hurts when you seem to be unable to fulfill that desire.

I became pregnant so easily with Gwennie. We decided to start trying and see what happened and ‘boom!’ I was pregnant right away. Getting pregnant with Henry took a little longer. And after that… nothing.

Zip, nada.

I can’t explain to you the heartache. Every month I would sit in the bathroom and cry my heart out. For months and months… and years. I don’t think Bill ever knew just how hard it hurt. It wasn’t his fault. I didn’t share it with him. I somehow felt it was my punishment…. my fault, my cross to bear.

I know that I must drive some people nuts with my posts about Henry… about baby-loss. It’s okay… I get it. If you have never lost a baby or a child then you can’t truly be expected to understand. I know that I didn’t before my loss.

I spent a lot of time being angry with “friends” who told me to just get over it and move on, but I forgive them now. What could they know? They didn’t experience joy and hope for a child that was not meant to be. They didn’t labour for 3 days before delivering their dead baby. They didn’t hold their lifeless child in their arms and have to say goodbye. How could they understand?

You NEVER get over something like that.

Honestly, I wanted to die when I lost my son. It hurt so bad.

I am so grateful for the amazing women that I have met along the way since I lost Henry. And I am grateful for the friends and family who stood by me and understood my pain and still honour Henry’s existence. Thank you, kind souls. You know who you are. You are the ones that are not afraid to speak his name or still talk to me about him. I appreciate you more than you could ever know.

I have become so close to many women who have lost babies… it is a common bond that we unwillingly share, but I am so appreciative of them and their understanding and I hope that I can be of some comfort to them too. That is the one thing to come from all of this… I feel like I have been able to reach out and care for those who have experienced similar things and be a shoulder in times of need. And I am so grateful that I can lean on those same people in return when I am feeling weak.

I’m also really grateful for my wonderful daughter. She not only is a ray of light and the sweetest child I could ever wish for, but she also acknowledges and remembers Henry with me. Whenever anyone asks her if she has brothers or sisters, she always replies that she had a brother and his name was Henry. She honours and cherishes my grief with her kind and precious soul and holds the brother she almost had close to her heart. She is a very special girl and I am so lucky and blessed to have her in my life.

Please don’t think that I am not grateful. I am more grateful than you can imagine. In my mind, I have the best daughter in the world. And that is why I throw my heart and soul and every fiber into her every breath and move… but I also miss my son. I miss what should have been.

So forgive me if I irritate you with my posts about pregnancy and infancy loss. But that is my right of passage, just as those who support breast cancer or autism or Alzheimer’s.

We all have our crosses to bear.

And everyone has a story.

I will see my boy again one day.

I can’t wait!

Until then… please bear with me.

Pregnancy and Infant Loss Awareness and Breast Cancer Awareness Month

Pregnancy and Infant Loss Awareness and Breast Cancer Awareness Month

Henry James Porter ~ Always in our hearts

Henry James Porter ~ Always in our hearts

My favourite picture of me, Gwennie, and Henry (in my tummy!)

My favourite picture of me, Gwennie, and Henry (in my tummy!)

New Bar Method Winter Park Studio Photos

Taken by the amazing Brittany Hodgins.

Here are some of the fabulous shots she took at our studio recently. I am so honoured to work with such beautiful, strong, and amazing women that I am lucky enough to call friends!

You can click on them to see them bigger!

Trish

Trish

Mimi and Carrie

Mimi and Carrie

Laura

Laura

Sarah and Dolly

Sarah and Dolly

Laura

Laura

98

Sarah

Sarah

Mimi

Mimi

Amy and Karen

Amy and Karen

79

Ellen, Sarah, and Carrie

Ellen, Sarah, and Carrie

Laura and Trish

Laura and Trish

Annette, Ellen, Dolly, and Karen

Annette, Ellen, Dolly, and Karen

61

Mimi

Mimi

Sarah

Sarah

Laura and Trish

Laura and Trish

Carrie, Laura, Ellen, Mimi, and Amy

Carrie, Laura, Ellen, Mimi, and Amy

181916141361

Ellen

Ellen

Carrie

Carrie

Amy

Amy

Annette

Annette

Karen

Karen

135

Karen

Karen

Dolly

Dolly

Mimi

Mimi

Amy

Amy

Carrie

Carrie

Ellen

Ellen

Sarah

Sarah

Annette

Annette

Trish

Trish

My favourite!!! I love these girls!

My favourite!!! I love these girls!

NEW E-BOOK FOR ALL AGES – A TRUE STORY OF A CESAR MILLAN REHABILITATION

My amazing Dad has written yet another wonderful book. Check it out!

The Englishman's Blog

LeoCover2a

A TRUE STORY AS TOLD BY THE DOG THAT IS CENTERPIECE OF IT – LEO. A STORY OF HIS LIFE IN BRIEF AND ESPECIALLY HOW HE THOUGHT, DEVELOPED AND LEARNED.  AND THEN HOW HE AND HIS OTHER DOG FRIENDS CHANGED THEIR BEHAVIOR FROM UNACCEPTABLE TO GOOD, AND BECOME PART OF A LOVEABLE FAMILY PACK. ALL DONE THROUGH THE GUIDANCE OF WORLD FAMOUS TRAINER AND BEHAVIORIST CESAR MILLAN, TRUE LIFE, EDUCATIONAL, THOUGHT PROVOKING, ENDEARING, FASCINATING, MIND OPENING, CHARMING AND ONE WHERE MANY DOG OWNERS CAN RELATE TO THE BEHAVIORS AND HOW THEY WERE CREATED.

I was very excited writing this book as I had to put myself into the mind of Leo. How did he view the world, how did he view the humans in his world. Did he really understand what they were communicating and wishing to do or was he interpreting it differently as a dog. Did he view…

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UK & Paris Trip – Part I

We just got back from a wonderful 2-week family trip to the UK and France. I cant believe it is already over and we are currently flying back home.

We left for London Gatwick on Friday 14th June and arrived on Saturday 15th. We headed down to my Mum’s home in Dorset. It was so great to see her and finally meet her little King Charles Cavalier, Alfie. We were pretty shattered when we arrived, as our flight had been a red-eye and neither Bill nor I had slept. G managed to get a couple of hours’ shut-eye on the plane and in the car on the drive down to Mum’s.

It was definitely a bit of a climate shock being back in England. They haven’t been blessed with much good weather so far this summer. We certainly found it chilly and wet! But we had come prepared with raincoats and wellies, so we went with the flow.

On Sunday, friends Andrea and Cliff came over to visit us for the afternoon. Mum cooked a lovely baked salmon for lunch and we enjoyed perfectly sweet English strawberries and cream for dessert. We took Alfie for a nice walk and braved the cool winds up on the rec. It was lovely to see A & C. They are such a giggle!

Monday, Mum’s wonderful neighbours and friends, Heather, Malcolm, and Tony came over for an evening feast. I made peach sangria and we had a laugh together. It was so good to see them all and catch up. Mum is so lucky to have such great people living around her. I am envious of the bond they all have! They all have each other’s backs and are true friends to one another.

Tuesday, Bill and I bid adieu to Mum and G and we caught the train up to London Waterloo, where our friend James met us and escorted us across town to St. Pancras. We headed up to the champagne bar, where Bill’s cousin Michael also joined us! He is currently living in London. We enjoyed a bottle of bubbly (thank you, James!) and caught up a little before Bill and I had to leave to catch the Eurostar to Paris. We were so grateful to J and M for coming to meet us for such a short interlude!

On to gay Paris!!! Neither Bill nor I had been to Paris before, so it was a new adventure for us both. We were astonished at how quickly we arrived in France. The scenery leading up to the city was just gorgeous; very rural and pretty. A lot of the French people on the train had the right idea… bringing their own picnics and bottles of wine! Smart!

Once at the Gare du Nord, we hit the taxi stand and headed for our hotel. We breathed in our first impressions of this City of Lights. It was so busy and full of crazy traffic (and subsequently crazy drivers)! The buildings were beautiful and everything seemed very uniform in set-up. Our hotel, La Maison Favart, was a little boutique hotel in the Opera district. It was beautiful and very tasteful. The bellhop/concierge, Hakim, was charming and most helpful. Our room was small… but we expected that having read that rooms in Paris are teeny! It was a little dark as both windows looked out onto extremely small closed courtyards and all we could see were the opposite walls. The bathroom was fabulous though… particularly the waterfall shower. Amazing water pressure! Such a joy!

Bill has a client, Jerome Bocuse, who runs Les Chefs du France at Epcot. Jerome has been exceedingly generous to us in the past at his restaurant. When he heard that we were going to Paris, he wanted us to head to Lyon to visit his father, Paul Bocuse at his restaurant. We felt that we did not have enough time to travel so far due to only being in Paris a few days. Jerome got in touch with Bill the day we were traveling and told us he had booked us a table at Jules Vernes on the 2nd floor of the Eiffel Tower. Normally, one needs to book months in advance to eat at such a place, but within just a few hours he had hooked us up! What a treat! It was pretty exciting being ushered into the private entrance for the restaurant. I was bowled over when we were lead to a table right by the window! The view completely took my breath away! I couldn’t believe my eyes! Words cannot describe it! I felt like a little girl and couldn’t stop smiling! The impeccable staff proceeded to serve us an amazing 6-course meal complete with wine pairing. It was absolutely out of this world. (Following this entry I will be posting photos of our holiday in sections, so you will get to see all the fabulous things we ate!). The wonderful thing about eating in Europe is that you are not rushed through a meal… and we enjoyed all of our courses over the period of about two and a half hours. It was perfect! Eventually, darkness fell and we were able to see the city’s beautiful lights at night. The highlight of the evening was discovering that Jerome had taken care of our bill. Wow! What an amazingly kind and thoughtful thing to do! We were stunned and felt truly blessed! Merci beaucoup, Jerome!

Wednesday morning, we were up early and away to take part in a Paris Along the Seine Tour with Sight Seeker’s Delight tour company (recommended to me by one of my clients). Isabel was our lovely guide for 5 hours. We started by the Notre Dame Cathedral and proceeded to walk checking out the sights along the way and hearing lots of historical tales about the city. We didn’t get to go inside, but aside from seeing the Notre Dame, we also walked through the grounds of the Louvre. We were amazed by how immense it was! It just goes on and on! We walked through the Latin Quarter and stopped to have lunch at Paul’s. Oh my goodness, the baguettes in France are to die for! Yum! We trekked to La Place du Concorde and the Tuilleries Gardens (gorgeous!) where we stopped to hear Isabel tell us brief history of Paris. We walked down the Champs Élysées and saw the Grand and Petit Palaces, and this is where Isabel bid us farewell. She told us that we really should see the Opera House at it was “a feast for the eyes”. So we headed that way.
Isabel wasn’t wrong! The Opera Garnier was magnificent… so extravagant the decor, one couldn’t help but gasp at every turn. A ballet company was rehearsing on the stage so we were unable to see the auditorium in the light… all the lights were out for practice. We were certain it was fabulous in there!

Upon leaving, we walked past the front steps of the Opera House and Bill turned to me and said, “There are some people here to see you!” I was taken aback as he led me up the steps to a couple that were hiding underneath a cardigan! Imagine my delight when I discovered that couple was Michaela and Ramiro, my dear friends from Austria!!! What a truly wonderful surprise! I haven’t seen them in 12 years! We all worked together in Vienna for 6 years. Michi is from Carinthia in Austria and Ramiro is from Rio in Brazil. Ramiro and I shared an apartment together for a long time when we were dancing together. We were very close friends. Michi and I have avidly kept in touch over the years since I left Austria. She helps me keep my Deutsch in check! They have a beautiful 4-year-old daughter, Amabel. Anyway, we immediately found a little cafe by the Opera so that we could stop, get a drink, eat and chat! I felt like I was in a dream! Apparently, when they heard that Bill and I were going to Paris, they decided they couldn’t miss out on the opportunity to come and surprise me and spend a few days with us! My husband, of course, orchestrated the whole thing with them! Michi and I couldn’t stop hugging each other! We have talked for so long about reuniting. They were unable to make our wedding back in 2005 and I haven’t had chance to go back to Austria since I left in 2001. It meant so much to me that they made the trip to France to come and be with us!

We headed back to the hotel. Bill took a nap and M, R, and I headed down to the spa for a sauna and swim. It was so refreshing! (Bill worked out that we had walked about 9 miles that first day all in all!)
We headed to St. Germain and had dinner at La Poissonerie… a wonderful neighbourhood gem! We then came back to the hotel and enjoyed a few glasses of vin rouge before heading to bed.

I have to make a brief interlude here to say that I did not have one bad glass of wine in Paris! I tried both red and white (Bordeaux and Chablis were my faves!) and they were all great! The bread was amazing everywhere too!

Thursday we were set to go on a tour of Montmartre (the artists’ district). Our lovely guide Louise and drizzly rain greeted us! Boo! Nevertheless, we donned raincoats and umbrellas and braved it! We began our tour in the red light district by the Moulin Rouge. We then began our trek up the hills of beautiful Montmartre. It is another world up there! So gorgeous and quaint. I loved it! It was so wonderful to hear the old tales of Van Gogh and Picasso and other artists. It was fun to see the cafe, grocery store and apartments that were featured in the movie Amelie. A we approached the Sacre Coeur it began to pour down with rain. We headed inside to take a look. It is the most amazing church… so breathtakingly beautiful outside and in. Unfortunately, we didn’t stay too long inside as I started to feel a little light-headed and faint. I’m not sure if it was the walk up… the claustrophobic-making crowds of people… the lack of sleep… or the fact that God was seriously looking down on me! Hahahaha! Anyway, I had to make a quick exit and take some deep breaths!

At the end of our tour we found a nearby cafe for lunch so that we could refuel. Then we decided to head back to the Tuillieries Gardens, La Place du Concorde, and then on to the Champs Élysées where we walked the miles of shops!

That evening we set off for an evening with La Nouvelle Eve (located near the Moulin Rouge). It was a fabulous show… great dancers and other performers (acrobats, magicians, etc). We really enjoyed it and ourselves! I had heard that the Moulin Rouge was just super touristy and crowded, hence me choosing La Nouvelle Eve. It was a good choice!

After the show, we set off to find somewhere to eat. We tried one place that had been recommended to us by our tour guides, but it was closed. We then foolishly relied on our taxi driver to take us somewhere. I have absolutely no idea which arrondissement we ended up in, but it was definitely geared to tourists. (Yes, I know we were tourists, but we wanted to experience the “real” Paris!) We ended up in this place that looked cute on the outside but the food was really poor. The dinging of the microwave as we walked in should have alerted us!!! Of course, Ramiro, in true Ramiro fashion, had no qualms about telling our server what he thought about it all! Hahaha!!!

We made it back to the hotel in one piece and enjoyed a few more drinks and a whole lot of giggles before heading to bed. I have to say that during those few days in Paris with R & M, we did not stop laughing the whole time! We had so much fun and silliness! I haven’t laughed that much in years!

Friday, we did a little shopping in the Opera District and then we decided to take a riverboat tour along the Seine. Michaela and I had fun navigating us all on the Metro (Bill and Ramiro just blindly followed us! LOL!). It was pretty chilly on the boat and was a very overcast day, but we were very glad that we did it.

Sadly, R & M had to leave for the airport in the late afternoon to head home to Vienna. It was so sad to see them leave, but we had made some wonderful memories together… and made lots of promises of future trips together! I honestly think having them with us really made our trip to Paris! I was so thrilled that they finally got to meet Bill… and they all got along so amazingly!

Later on that evening, Bill and I stuck to our tour guides’ recommendation and headed to La Coupe-Chou in the Latin Quarter for dinner. It was perfect for our last meal in Paris. The restaurant building was so old and quaint and full of ambience and character. Our meal was phenomenal. Bill had Boeuf Bourgignon that was heavenly! I enjoyed some amazing scallops. Bill stayed Parisian and had Napoleon for dessert and I had a wonderful fruit compote. It was just a lovely evening and end to our fabulous trip to Paris.

On Saturday, we got up, had a leisurely breakfast and finished packing before heading back to the train station and back to the UK. I feel so lucky and thrilled that we were able to do this trip. We were so grateful to my Mum for taking care of Gwennie whilst we went. They had a wonderful time together and I think it did them the world of good to have some one-on-one time with one another!