Gosh, it’s been a long time since I have written. I have so many posts in my head.
I have so much to write about Gwennie… about her amazing progress at school… about her intellect, her kind heart, her talents, and sweet ways.
I have much to write about work… I am waiting on new photos of our amazing instructors and studio. There are some big changes going on and things to share.
I would like to write about my husband…. about his amazing new store and his unending impeccable hard-work etiquette.
But, whenever I am feeling down and a little sad… that is when I am truly inspired to write. I guess it is a little like therapy. We need to purge and let go to be able to move on.
I feel a little abandoned and cast-aside by some people I thought were friends. In hindsight, I realize that true friends stand beside you because they truly love and know you… but it doesn’t stop the pain from rising when people, due to certain circumstances, unceremoniously dump you. It doesn’t matter to what standards I hold others and myself; I cannot expect everyone else to think or feel the same way as me.
Needless to say, I am hurt and sad, and sometimes, downright lonely. I don’t really trust anyone and I always have an exit plan in my head. Always. Maybe that sounds bizarre to you. But I think you would be lying if you didn’t “get it” a little bit. Let’s face it… we all want to be loved and cherished.
I try to give out what I would like to receive. Am I perfect? Hell no. I know I have messed up many times in life, but I put them all down to experiences learned. But I do know that I have a good heart and I would do anything for anybody. If you cross me or hurt me repeatedly, then I have a very hard time forgiving you. I am a true Lioness. Mess with me and I will go into protective mode and shut you out. It isn’t because I don’t care about you, it’s because I need to protect my heart and the ones I love. Those of you, who really know me, understand I have been through A LOT in my life. Those of you who don’t may not understand why I am so sensitive. I’ll tell you one day if you will give me the chance. I would like to learn more about you too. Listening to one another’s trials and difficulties brings us more together, I believe.
I do believe that our upbringings and cultures play a lot into all of this. Before I go into anything, I just want to say that I am NOT putting down any culture, country, belief, or anything. I am just retailing my experience.
I have never felt truly at home here in the States. I love it here. I love this country, I love Florida and the weather, I love my husband and the good friends I have made… but it has been hard to make friends and still I find it very hard to truly trust any of them 100%. I feel like I constantly have to keep my guard up. I used to give so much and now I feel like it’s in my best interests to hold back…. Because no-one is capable of giving what I am used to giving. God, that sounds selfish, but I have friends from back home who I have known since I was tiny and we haven’t seen each other for years, yet we are still there for each other 150%. No question.
I feel like an outsider here. I don’t get the flakiness of “friendships”. How you can be the “in person” one month and then not the next. Why people can’t hold true to their word. Why I feel like I have to do all the work. If I don’t reach out to people, I don’t hear from them. It sucks.
And you know what? I know I am not the only person to feel like this. I know a lot of people feel this way. So what is it with our/this society these days? Are we so spoiled with the crazy technology available to us that we can’t physically communicate with people properly anymore?
And I know the people that will respond to this post. They will be the friends who live hundreds or thousands of miles away. And again, it will make me a little bit sad, because if I were a free bird, I would move back to be closer to these people. But I have made my family/home here and it is my responsibility to stay put.
I would love to hear how you feel. Be honest! Good or bad.