Contemplating life and friendships.

Gosh, it’s been a long time since I have written. I have so many posts in my head.

I have so much to write about Gwennie… about her amazing progress at school… about her intellect, her kind heart, her talents, and sweet ways.

I have much to write about work… I am waiting on new photos of our amazing instructors and studio. There are some big changes going on and things to share.

I would like to write about my husband…. about his amazing new store and his unending impeccable hard-work etiquette.

But, whenever I am feeling down and a little sad… that is when I am truly inspired to write. I guess it is a little like therapy. We need to purge and let go to be able to move on.

I feel a little abandoned and cast-aside by some people I thought were friends. In hindsight, I realize that true friends stand beside you because they truly love and know you… but it doesn’t stop the pain from rising when people, due to certain circumstances, unceremoniously dump you. It doesn’t matter to what standards I hold others and myself; I cannot expect everyone else to think or feel the same way as me.

Needless to say, I am hurt and sad, and sometimes, downright lonely. I don’t really trust anyone and I always have an exit plan in my head. Always. Maybe that sounds bizarre to you. But I think you would be lying if you didn’t “get it” a little bit. Let’s face it… we all want to be loved and cherished.

I try to give out what I would like to receive. Am I perfect? Hell no. I know I have messed up many times in life, but I put them all down to experiences learned. But I do know that I have a good heart and I would do anything for anybody. If you cross me or hurt me repeatedly, then I have a very hard time forgiving you. I am a true Lioness. Mess with me and I will go into protective mode and shut you out. It isn’t because I don’t care about you, it’s because I need to protect my heart and the ones I love. Those of you, who really know me, understand I have been through A LOT in my life. Those of you who don’t may not understand why I am so sensitive. I’ll tell you one day if you will give me the chance. I would like to learn more about you too. Listening to one another’s trials and difficulties brings us more together, I believe.

I do believe that our upbringings and cultures play a lot into all of this. Before I go into anything, I just want to say that I am NOT putting down any culture, country, belief, or anything. I am just retailing my experience.

I have never felt truly at home here in the States. I love it here. I love this country, I love Florida and the weather, I love my husband and the good friends I have made… but it has been hard to make friends and still I find it very hard to truly trust any of them 100%. I feel like I constantly have to keep my guard up. I used to give so much and now I feel like it’s in my best interests to hold back…. Because no-one is capable of giving what I am used to giving. God, that sounds selfish, but I have friends from back home who I have known since I was tiny and we haven’t seen each other for years, yet we are still there for each other 150%. No question.

I feel like an outsider here. I don’t get the flakiness of “friendships”. How you can be the “in person” one month and then not the next. Why people can’t hold true to their word. Why I feel like I have to do all the work. If I don’t reach out to people, I don’t hear from them. It sucks.

And you know what? I know I am not the only person to feel like this. I know a lot of people feel this way. So what is it with our/this society these days? Are we so spoiled with the crazy technology available to us that we can’t physically communicate with people properly anymore?

Maybe.

And I know the people that will respond to this post. They will be the friends who live hundreds or thousands of miles away. And again, it will make me a little bit sad, because if I were a free bird, I would move back to be closer to these people. But I have made my family/home here and it is my responsibility to stay put.

I would love to hear how you feel. Be honest! Good or bad.

25 thoughts on “Contemplating life and friendships.

  1. Wow! Amazing post! And so true…
    Not feeling truly at home in the country you have chosen is something I can identify with so much and many times it has made me question myself and sometimes doubt the decision I made to plant my roots here.
    Seeing changes in family members (ageing, ill health etc) doesn’t help the situation.
    Maybe it’s not easy for people to understand these feelings until they have made that giant leap to move to a different country, (maybe) learn a new language, customs, culture etc and try to fit in.
    I’m sure it would allow them to empathise much more….
    You have a lovely, perfect little family and I’m sure the close friends you have there do love you as much as you love them. So chin up old girl!! ( very british accent there!! Lol!)
    I’m sure I saw a fb post from you about people in your life being blessings or lessons. Well lesson learned… if they don’t treat you right, then lose no sleep over them!
    Big hugs xxx

  2. Oh Sarah, I had no idea… Am crying because I’ve just read the most eloquent, open, heart wrenching blog by a little diamond who always appears so happy and carefree. I read about your life and feel just that bit envious of the adventures you have and the opportunities I see. We all get lonely, I know I do, and I still live in the UK so I don’t think it’s that. I often wonder how people can treat you in a way that cuts your heart out and leaves you wondering what you did wrong. I would hate to think I had ever made anyone feel like that. As you said, we have all done things in our past we are not proud of but I like to think I have learnt from my mistakes and have become a better person for it. I just want to say, for the record that you will always have a very special place in my heart and those who have chosen to cut you out have made such a bad decision cos they obviously didn’t know you at all. I will always be here for you, no matter how far away we are. Love you xxx

  3. {{{{ xxx }}}} virtual hug and oh, so much empathy. You know what, I think it’s our age – we take stock more and won’t tolerate shabby treatment. There’s only so much giving a heart can do, that’s my conclusion, no matter how generously it’s given before.

    In 40 sleeps you get a real hug lady, a huuuuuuge hugaroo from me to you. xxxxxxxxxx

  4. I feel its predictable I reply!! I know just how much you would fly, if you hadn’t made your vows to be where you are.
    I can completely understand the need for solid foundations and not fluffy, vacuous ones. At 40, its definitely about feeling strong in your skin, but that means you re assess everything around you……June? Bring it on….. Huge hugs my darling girl xxx

  5. It makes me feel sad that you feel this way, however, I really do understand it! Completely! It is such a shame that we fail so much in our communication with each other. I have been through a lot over the years and still am but also feel abandoned by friends and even more sadly, family. What’s worse is I don’t live 100s of miles away from them, they are on my doorstep and I still feel let down by so many! There are just a few friends I can call ‘true’ friends! I don’t know you that well SDP but from what I do know, you have one of the biggest hearts of anyone and certainly do not deserve anyone to let you down. I am glad you have a wonderful family to keep you going in times of grief and sadness. I hope that one day that we could get to know each other more! Sending you much love and huge hugs! xx

  6. Oh, my lovely… 😦 I’m so sorry you’re feeling lonely. It’s funny how some friendships go. And I don’t understand the flaky stuff, or the unwarranted drama, or the on-again-off-againness of some people you think are friends. I’m really fortunate that the people I have in my life aren’t like that, and those that are, they’re on the fringes of things. Or they’ve fallen off the radar with little notice on my part.

    There are a few that I consider very close, special friends. Two from my younger days come to mind off the top of my head. And I’ve found some good folks here in the time I’ve been with Steve… heck, since I moved east. I struggled a great deal over the years with making connections – Toronto was horrible for that, and before that, I spent so much time trying to find where I fit that I was a little too nomadic.

    It can be very hard to trust, or feel comfortable enough to open up. It’s taken me a very long time, and I’m still very selective in who I open up to. I’m not sure if there’s one set way to work on trust, or how to feel comfortable being vulnerable. Especially when there are bruises and scars from the past. Maybe it just depends on who is around, and what you pick up on from the other person.

    It probably doesn’t help that in the media, friendships are flaky. Look at reality shows – you compete against other people, do what you can to move ahead, form an allegiance with one person and then turn against them in the next. Or you’re put on a reality show with Botoxed women who trash each other. It seems ok to do that as a result. And if you don’t have good friendships to use as examples, it’s hard to realize just how superficial and unsatisfying that kind of crap can be.

    I wish you were closer geography-wise. I really do, especially after all the time we’ve been friends online. And I’m looking forward to meeting you in November, in person. 🙂 But if you need an escape sometime, you have an open invitation to visit. Bring Gwennie (and Bill if he can escape the store for a time). Just lemme know.

    Love ya lots, my friend. xoxoxoxo

  7. Hey Sis, I am only a few miles away and yet feel horrible for not being there and knowing how you are feeling. You have listened to me go on and on about my stuff and yet I feel I have never given you the chance to get a word in. That makes you the better friend, I will work on that if given another chance my love. Just know you are loved by me always, and I would love to hear your stories. Ill bring the wine and tissues, hang in there girl and we will make that date. I love you, 🙂 xoxoxo

  8. It makes me so sad to read your blog – I do understand how you feel and I wish we didn’t live so very far from one another. When you get down to it, in life there are so many people you thought were friends who let you down, but there are still some amazing people out there who are true friends. I just wish your true friends didn’t live so far away from you too. I know how much it means to you that you will see so many of them soon when you are at home. Hang in there darling and stay strong. I love you and can’t wait for you to get here! xxx

    • Sorry Sarah that I have not been a better friend or sister, cause we do share the same Mum. I have a very few people I call friends. You, My husband and my sister. I don’t have a huge following but the ones I know in my heart are true… xo

  9. This is such a brave post to have written, and I know because I tried to write one myself on a very similar theme at the beginning of the year, but abandoned and never published it (and it wasn’t nearly as eloquent as yours!) So many have left lovely comments already and there are clearly a lot of people who love you a lot. I’m someone who keeps giving to the friends I really care about too, and it hurts so much when you see that it’s you making all of the effort, and that when you stop, you don’t hear from them for months or potentially ever again. I don’t give up on friendships easily, but since having had Izzy there are a couple of very close friendships that I’ve had to let go of. I’m so sorry you feel lonely and let down by your friends. It’s not long till June and we’re really looking forward to seeing you. Izzy was talking about Gwennie just this morning, asking if she could come for a sleepover! Lots of love and keep strong (and blogging!) xx

  10. Sarah darling

    Who the devil has hurt you – someone certainly has and if that’s the case I’d like to get at them right now. Please tell me about it. Carol and Pete called came down and surprised us today – left a couple of hours ago – and I have only just opened my emails. I just had to write before I get into bed – you sound so down – it’s just not fair – not right that someone or something has made you feel like this. All I know is that you are loved so deeply by so many people – and that anyone wlse has issed out on something wonderful. You know Sarah my love – just feel sorry for anyone who can’t give as you do and have always done – I wish you were nearer to us physicallly right now so that I could give you a great big hug – but I feel as though that is exactly what I’m doing darling and I hope it’s reaching you..

    Let me know that you are OK as soon as you can – I’ll worry about you until you do.

    Lots & lots of love Vera xxxxx

    I hope you can read all this – it seems to be playing up and going off the page.

  11. Dearest Sarah,

    You are such a beautiful person; I love being around you, and enjoy your company very much! I can truly agree with the “flakiness” you are feeling about our society; I know that you and I have actually talked about that before; it is SO hard to make true, meaningful relationships often…..especially when you have been through a lot in life, it makes it even harder to relate. Particularly in our society that doesn’t seem to have the time to really listen because often, we’re all just thinking about ourselves, and what we have to do next. It’s like some sort of laziness or something.

    Everyone wants to be known, and I think you’re smart in not “trusting” just anyone; you shouldn’t cast your pearls to swine. All of these beautiful things inside you are things that should be shared–with people that will love you, and get you, and see your glory; people that will take the time to listen to your heart and be gentle with it. I’m intrigued by your exit plan–maybe I should make one too!

    You are sensitive, and I believe in a way that is also sensitive to others; you have a gift of seeing things that not many can see; of perceiving things that are happening underneath the exterior things that are happening and I find that almost comforting about you! Because even though we don’t really know each other, I feel like you’re someone that I could share almost anything with; and that you wouldn’t have any judgement for me.

    I’m so sorry that you’re feeling so lonely, loneliness is such a consuming feeling when you have so much to share. I hope that you find truth in whatever is going on, and if you ever want to talk, I’ll listen.

    Love you lots Sarah!

  12. Sarah,
    Hi there,
    I haven’t meet you in person. I even live miles and miles away from you, but I can feel your pain and heartaches caused by the people whom you thought are your friends. I can feel how much love you want to share but just taken for granted by many. Yes, when we suffered a lot we tend to withdraw and protect ourselves from what causes us pain. But I hope and pray that you will not stop from loving and building new friendships. Honestly, I wish I could hug you personally and whisper to you that from now on you have another shoulder to lean on.

    Me too have my ups and downs in friendships. I even experienced an excruciating pain out of it. My heart was broken and torn into pieces countless of times but inspite of that I continually believe that somewhere out there, we’ll find people who would see our worth as a person and become our real friends.

    I can feel how beautiful is your heart. I hope you would let me in. I would understand if you would not trust me for now but am willing to try.

    MY HUGS AND KISSES TO YOU!!!

    Glaye

    • Hi Glaye,

      Thank you so much for your sweet and kind words, I really appreciate it!
      What a kind soul for reaching out!
      I’m sorry you have been hurt too. I am sure that we all have in one way or another. I believe talking about it makes us more human somehow.
      Sending hugs and kisses back to you!

      Sarah xoxo

  13. Sarah,

    I wish I lived closer! I would love to hear all your stories and have our girls play together!! I know I am far far away, but I am always here for you! I feel such a special bond because of what we went through together with our girls! ❤

    And although I am not thousands of miles away from my family like you are – 600 miles is quite a lot as well! I had to start all over too, and although I have made a few good friends, I find myself very lonely and homesick from time to time! I miss my childhood friends to pieces, and the few friends (you included), that i made in my adulthood. And my family. So far away. And so missing my children's lives. 😦 But it was my choice, and for the most part I am happy with it… but it does tear you up sometimes, doesn't it??

    I am sorry I haven't been able to see you on my few trips I have made home! I do try, but with two families to split my time between, I don't get much "me" time! 😦 My kids have to come first!! I know you understand that more than most!

    Whenever you come back to NC, please tell me… I will come to you and we can spend a day together.. or we can meet someplace. I would love to give you a giant hug again!!

    I am sorry people are hurting you! I know how that is too! It is sad how much people take friends for granted. Until you have no friends close by, I don't think you fully understand it.

    I love you!! oxoxoxoxoxo

    Hang in there! YOu are an amazing person, and a wonderful, warm-hearted, genuine friend. The ones that are worth your time will treat you like gold!! ❤

    <3,
    Lara

    • Hi Sweetheart!

      Thank you for your kind words and support. I am so grateful for the understanding.
      I often think about you guys and hope that you are happy up there! I know it is hard to move to a new place!
      Please don’t apologise… I totally understand how it is when you go home… you have so many people to see and so little time! I am so glad we can keep up with each other on Facebook!
      Thinking about your sweet little girls this weekend! What is Chloe doing to celebrate? G wants to go to Harry Potter World! Fabulous! We are going on Saturday!
      I love you lots and miss you!

      Sarah xoxo

      • Chloe wanted a Dr. Seuss party… so I am in Seuss-land up to my eyeballs O.o

        Its so much fun though!! You know i wouldn’t trade it for anything!!

        Harry Potter!! Oh how I want to go!! maybe someday!! 🙂

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